One day after having wanted to die and go be with Kim, a thought filled my mind: Do you really want to go to Heaven and spend eternity without having fulfilled your life’s calling? Don’t you want to take that with you to Heaven? Later I thought that if God answered my prayer to die, I would also have to face Kim in Heaven. Oh no. I imagined her meeting me at Heaven’s gate, and instead of greeting me, she might say, “Pete! What are you doing here? Get back there and fulfill God’s calling on your life!” I would…
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I finally stopped wanting to die. The last couple of times I asked God to kill me so I could go be with Kim, I got back the thought, Do you really want to go to heaven without fulfilling your calling? Don’t you want to take that with you? That stopped me. Later I thought that if I meet Kim at Heaven’s gates, she might say something like, “Pete! What are you doing here? You didn’t fulfill your calling! Get back there and do it!” So I’ve determined to live and go to my next chapter. There you go: Faithfulness motivated by…
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We all hope for a happy coming year. But we can be certain that along with the good things, not-so-good things will also happen. In my own struggles I’ve written about since Kim’s passing, the Lord prompted me with this: “It’s in the fire that you’re forged.” We all know he will grow us as we work through hardships. Yet for this to happen, I’ve learned the importance of our perspective, our focus. When I miss Kim too much, and everything in life seems to go dark, I’ve learned that I need to get back to a Kingdom of God…
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I walked along the ocean beach, feeling like a ghost—not entirely there. I missed Kim so badly. With apologies to those who love me, I had no desire to live anymore. I repeatedly said, “Lord, if you would, take me now.” And I meant it. But I also said, “My only reason to continue living is to become who you intend me be to be and to pursue the task you’ve given me to do.” Then I sensed the Lord’s response, “That’s exactly where I want you.” It’s just like God to do this. Have you ever been at your…
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Have you ever felt this way: I feel as if I’m in a dark tunnel, yet I sense God’s presence with me. As in Psalm 23:4, walking through the valley of the shadow of death, God is with me. And in the surrounding darkness God’s presence is light around me. Still, in my human grief with half of me now gone, missing Kim sinks in. As the initial shock of her death wears off, and maintaining my composure is no longer essential for her sake, the grief actually gets worse. I miss her so much that sometimes I don’t have much interest…
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